I am sitting on my favorite comfy red couch near the big window in my Creative Space (my equivalent to a “man cave”). It is still dark outside and I chose this place to write this morning so I could watch the world go from dark to light. The outlines of the trees are just becoming visible against the still dark sky with the first light of day … I feel like this is where I am at this moment in my life, with my sexual awakening. What I experienced this past weekend was a glimpse of something I always sensed in my heart and body existed but did not really know for sure because I’ve never experienced it. And this morning, as I am waking up in the dark and watching the light beginning to replace the darkness, I feel like this is where I’m at with the exploration of my physical body, my sexual self. I am just beginning to realize that there is more, so much more I can feel, let myself experience, be, than I have yet experienced.
Trip To Bliss, a book I am creating with stories of how you and I learned to have orgasms, is part of my own journey of discovery. This is the story of one of my adventures on that journey: my first Tantra massage.
A friend of mine who knew I am collecting stories for my book Trip to Bliss connected me with Tabea. We met at her apartment in Berlin and over the next few hours she shared with me her life story, her adventures and discoveries on her path of learning about herself, about sex, about Tantra. In the most colorful and excited way she described her recent Tantra massage as “something every woman should experience at least once in her lifetime!!” … and before I knew it she had my curiosity piqued enough to sign me up with Joerg for the following day.
Even though she had described what to expect I was super nervous, yet, at the same time, excited. Curiosity had definitely won over the fear of letting my guard, my walls, down. I knew I would be naked and vulnerable, in front of a total stranger. Why would I want to do that? You know those passages in books where the woman experiences a mind-blowing, life altering orgasm? I had always wondered if those were for real or if the author just made this stuff up. I wanted to know because I have only ever experienced clitoral orgasms, nothing like I'd read about in those novels. I was curious enough to wonder if maybe a Tantra massage would be the way to experience what i was looking for ...
I arrived at the ‘apartment turned into massage & other healing arts space’ where I met Joerg. We sat down in the room where “it” would happen. A warm room; wood floors, a futon type mattress on the floor, a heating light to keep it comfortable, candle light and soft music. A safe place. We sat down and drank water infused with slices of oranges, talking, getting to know each other. He wanted to know how I was feeling and I confided how nervous I was about “doing this”. He asked me about my nervousness, where it came from, what is was about, wanted to know what was going on for me and make me feel comfortable, at ease.
And then it was time. Time for me. I took a shower before laying down on the mattress. I was now covered only by a thin sheet, a lunghi. He comes in with only a lunghi wrapped around his waist and sits by my side. He gently takes my hand places it on his naked upper thigh, which takes me by surprise, and starts stroking and caressing my arm, shoulders, lightly touching my breasts as he starts asking me how I feel. We explore and talk about my feelings, he suggests I acknowledge them, tell them I feel them and see them. Some of them I appreciate being there, others, I know, don’t serve me, hold me back. The latter ones, mostly fearful thoughts, I put on a spaceship and send them to a planet far, far away. We create separation out of all my conflicting emotions and feelings. He helps me untangle what felt like a ball of noodles, helps me remove what is not serving me and create a space and a purpose for all the feelings I am experiencing.
We separate ‘nervousness’ from ‘fearful thoughts’, and ‘fearful thoughts’ from ‘protection’… and there were more. I don’t remember now because I wanted to stay focused on being in the moment and not be in my head too much. As we are going through each of them I begin feeling a lightness, creativity, and peace. I feel more open and a sense of clarity and strength about my life, the book I set out to create, my sexuality; a sense of “Just be me and be move forward in confidence. It’s all good. More than good. It’s great! I am, right now, where I am meant to be.” And I feel relaxed and at peace and happy with where I am in my life at this moment.
All the while, he had been changing positions, moving around me, massaging, touching and caressing different parts of my body. Some moments I wish he’d talk less and just let me enjoy his touches, his hands on my tingly skin; yes, my body is responding to the special attention it is getting!
At the beginning he had asked me to let the softness of my being come out, to experience it. As soon as he said it I knew I don’t allow let that part of me to show enough, because … Because what? I feel I have so many things to handle? So many balls to juggle, I can’t let myself be soft? As I am writing this right now I realize it is not so. I can show my softness, woman-ness. In fact, I would be a better, happier person letting it out of the self-constructed “cage”, a cage I’ve never been aware of it even being there. Now I realize it’s been there all along,
At the beginning he had asked me to let the softness of my being come out, to experience it. As soon as he said it I knew I don’t allow let that part of me to show enough, because … Because what? I feel I have so many things to handle? So many balls to juggle, I can’t let myself be soft? As I am writing this right now I realize it is not so. I can show my softness, woman-ness. In fact, I would be a better, happier person letting it out of the self-constructed “cage”, a cage I’ve never been aware of it even being there. Now I realize it’s been there all along, constructed by the demands of daily life and “making it”, whatever that means to me. In my gut, though, I know: it doesn’t have to be like that. I can, WANT TO, live life with it, the softness, being part of it. And I believe, no, I KNOW, it will serve me well and I will be a better, happier person.
Throughout the massage I keep re-focusing on feeling my softness as much as possible, feeling it open up and my body responding to it and his touch. Then he starts touching my yoni (vulva). (I am using "yoni" for the first time, I’ve never liked it much, but it feels right here). I am in heaven. His first touch is bliss. And WOW! How does this strangerknow how to touch me like that? I can’t even touch myself and have it feel like THAT. It feels heavenly! He massages and caresses me on the outside, teases my clit, gently moves to the inside and makes me feel things I have never felt before. The intensity of his touches and my body responding is amazing. And all this while I stay relaxed and just focus on my body not “having to” do anything for him, even though at moments I want to, I really want to, touch him, feel more of him, make it even more intense by letting myself, my body, respond by giving back to him. But I don’t, that’s not part of a Tantra massage. I just focus on relaxing, enjoying, giving myself to his touches and letting go …
I got closer than I ever have been to having a vaginal orgasm. At one point I ejaculated. I enjoyed every move he made. Every bit of pressure his hands and fingers applied. Every word he used explaining what my body felt like to him, telling me about the shape and size of my g-spot. I enjoyed the closeness of his body. His hands on my body, and inside of me. It was exquisite. Intense. An amazing experience!
Flying back home the next day I was surrounded by a lot of people all day. I looked at the men and wondered if they knew how to touch, really touch, a woman like that. Had any of them ever explored a woman like I had been explored last night? Did they have the skills to? And the women, have they ever felt like I felt last night? Did they ever experience sensations like I did, have any idea how much more was out there to be experienced?
I let myself open a door to another part of me, the inner world of my beautiful body, to such a bigger world of my own sexuality than I really knew existed. Like I said earlier, I suspected it but didn’t really know. Now I really want to know it and experience it. Why would I have been created capable of such blissful experiences if I wasn’t meant to experience them? To experience myself as sexual being and enjoy it all the way? Why would that be bad? Or sinful? Am I glad I did it? Yes, I am!
Would I do it again? Yes, in fact I did go back to him. I found that letting go of the reigns of my control, in a safe space, was good for me. Great for me. Everything is connected. Everything I feel, think, say and do. It was great letting go and just being. Being myself. Without the past, without the future. Just being and enjoying.